It’s ten to six in the morning
A cold, cold morning
Travel through the haze
Of half sleep
Returning to hateful wakefulness
And with it
Another day
Maps itself out
In full bloody detail
Before me
Roll off the bed
Hit the floor
Trying to wake up
Failing
Eyelids glued together
Won’t come unstuck
A thousand deserts
In my mouth
Stumble to the bathroom
To shave
If I don’t cut my throat first
By mistake
Brush my teeth
Up, down
Up, down
Brush
Not head
That fuzzy thing in the mirror
Is that me?
Hell, I look rabid
Maybe I am
I feel it
Dress
In what?
Something from the heap
On the floor
Something clean
Well
At least something
That doesn’t smell too bad
Breakfast
Something floating
In my bowl
Oh, it’s cornflakes
I think
It’s so full of iron
I could rust
Go to work
Car won’t start
Kick the damn thing
Sit behind the wheel
Hitting my head
On its hard rim
Start
For fuck sakes, start!
Sit behind my desk
All day
Papers pass before my eyes
Unread
Unheeded
Unwanted
Oh please let me die!
Glance at the clock
Ten more minutes
Until parole time
A bloated blurry body
Dumps more papers on my desk
‘These are important’ it bleats
As I try not to kill them
Finally I am finished
It is dark outside
I sit in the car praying
To the gods of starter motors
Cough, cough, whirr, BANG!
Well I guess that counts as starting
Shit! The fuel light is on
Get home, open the door
What should I eat
Whatever is in the fridge
Whatever isn’t green and furry
Should I cook it?
No why bother
Sit down
In front of the TV
A talking head is asking
Whether I have had an accident at work
Hell
My whole being is an accident
Can I get compensation?
Turn the taps
Of an arthritic shower
Waiting for the water
To go from freezing
To almost lukewarm
Now where’s the soap
It is way past midnight
As I hit the bed
With a sickening thump
Of head on pillow
Crawl under the sheet
And pull it tight
And hope
The nightmares don’t come again
Repeat…
18/09/2000
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